User:Albinomonkey/The Grand Unification Theory of Delivered Pizza

This was found on bad jokes and other deleted nonsense, but i thought it was such a good effort that it had to be kept somewhere safe..

The original source of this theory was by Paul Clegg, in 1994, written as an article to Project Galactic Guide. A copy of this original can be found here: http://vms.pdv-systeme.de/users/martinv/pgg/02S/02S055.html and if the Galactic Guide servers were still working or up, on http://www.galactic-guide.com/

The Grand Unification Theory of Delivered Pizza

The Grand Unification Theory of Delivered Pizza, is a theory in culinary physics that collates the disparate factors involved in the quantitive measure of a delivered pizza's palatability. The equation is as follows:

$Q={\frac {PT}{t(1+i)}}$

Q is the quality of the pizza, measured in Cleggs, and represents the unit dollars Kelvin per minute. T is, of course, the temperature of the pizza upon delivery, and is measured in Kelvins. P is the price of the pizza, in American dollars. t is the time taken for the pizza to be delivered, in minutes, starting from the end of the phone call, to the point at which the box of pizza is opened at the receiving end.

i is a slightly odd concept. It measures the "Italianicity" of the name of the establishment from which the pizza was ordered. i takes on a value of arbitrary value, based on how "Italian" the name of the pizza joint has. So whereas Domino's Pizza scores only a 0.2, a place called Italia's is upwards of a 0.8. The scale only operates between 0 and 1, has been named "The Toigo Scale". To receive a scale of 0, the pizza parlor's name would have to be something like "Billy Bob's Pizza," and written in Sanskrit.

An average Domino's Pizza Large has been found to score about 118.10 Cleggs, with a price of about $12.80, an arrival temperature of about 310 Kelvin, a delivery time of about 28 minutes, and rating a 0.2 on the Toigo Scale.

A few more disjointed but important discoveries have been made in the field of pizza delivery physics:

1. The time t required to receive a pizza is inversely proportional to the distance D from your location to the pizza joint. Thus, we introduce a proportionality constant, Beta, and end up with the following equation:
   $t={\frac {Beta}{D}}$
   Where Beta is a constant in m * s.
2. The lifetime of a pizza parlor is equal to the average price of their pizza P(avg), times the average temperature of the delivered pizza T(avg) in Kelvin, times a constant Alpha, divided by the average quality of their pizza Q(avg):
   $lifetime={\frac {P(avg)T(avg)Alpha}{Q(avg)}}$
   Check the units. They work out.
3. The ability to taste a topping on a pizza is inversely proportional to the number of toppings on the pizza.
4. Shawn's Law: The size of an individual topping element is inversely proportional to the price of the pizza.
5. The quality of a pizza approaches zero (Q -> 0) and the amount of cheese found on the pizza approaches zero, as the number of toppings approaches infinity.
6. The frictional coefficient of a pizza's cheese is equal to a constant divided by the quantity of sauce. The coefficient is measured in "Debs," and R is the "Deb Constant."
   $f(cheese)={\frac {c^{R}}{sauce}}$
7. The thickness of cheese may be determined by the following computation:
   $thickness={\frac {sum(leftturns)-sum(rightturns)mv}{f(cheese)m(cheese)a(car)R}}$
8. The likeliness of a delivery person finding your location is inversely proportional to the simplicity of your address or directions. Thus, if you are standing inside the pizza parlor itself, chances are slim that the delivery person will actually find you. This is not to say that overly complex instruction sets will improve the chances greatly.
9. The Blue Effect: The time it takes a pizza delivery person to deliver a pizza is inversely proportional to the number of police cars patrolling the route taken by the driver.
   • Corollary to the Blue Effect: A pizza delivery person will always deliver a pizza faster than the average police response time.
10. The IQ of the pizza driver, and the IQ of the person who takes the order at the pizza shop, sum to a constant. This constant has been approximated to about 120.
11. The time required to come to a decision on what toppings to order is equal to the exponential of the square of the number of people trying to decide. If n is the number of people, the time, in minutes, is equal to:
    $e_{n}^{2}$
12. The time in which a pizza is consumed is equal to the number of people who paid for the pizza divided by the number of people who actually ate some of the pizza, multiplied by a time constant.

Note that these formulas can only apply to delivered pizza. Frozen pizza, homemade pizza, and take-out pizza are forms of pizza that may not subscribe to these natural laws.